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Throwing a sickie the Backbytes way
At this time of year, many of Computing's readers look ahead to longer-term goals, rather than remain constrained by the day-to-day drudgery of life at work. In this spirit, we offer the following advice on achieving a work-life balance.
In other words, Backbytes answers the question: 'What is the best way to throw a sickie and get away with it?'
We were inspired in our quest by the results of research showing that 57 per cent of British men struggle on as normal when they have a cold or flu. We wanted to look at the other side of the coin: those of you who pretend to be dying so you can catch Bergerac repeats on UK Gold. We salute the spirit of the woman in the survey who called in sick with 'terrible flu' ? and was then spotted by her boss at a Big Brother eviction. We need people like her in the workforce to make the rest of us look good.
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Week one: call yourself, talk symptoms ? and criticise your mates
We have so many ideas on how to throw a sickie effectively that we could publish a government green paper on it. work-life balance has never been so far up our agenda, at least not since the World Cup. An early entry from the public sector from John Greatrex at the department for Education and Science, of all places, offers a long list of very good advice, which we can 't carry in its entirety. Two points we would bring to your attention: 'When phoning in your sickie report, do this yourself - having a partner lie for you is a key giveaway and a common rookie mistake,' he says, and 'Focus on the symptoms, not the condition - "I have a stabbing pain in my shoulder and it's agony when I breathe deeply" will garner more sympathy than "I have swollen cartilage in my shoulder". Use this second phrase only after you have returned from the doctor.'
Oh, and his final piece of advice: 'Set yourself up as the office critic, when someone else is ill say "oh yeah, bet they're throwing a sickie". This sets you up as an angel, and someone who would never do the same.'
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Week two: don't underplay your symptoms
'Our computer operator Pierre LePorc's description of his attack of diarrhoea was vivid enough to prevent anyone asking any further questions about his absence,' says an impressed Nick Blackmore at Smuntz Wood. 'As a former stressed-out primary school teacher, the best tip I was taught was never to speak at all before you phone in. That way your throat will always sound croaky first thing in the morning,' says someone who signs himself only '¡Libérez le jello!' which we would do if we knew what it meant. An example of best practice in this area comes from one of our readers at an insurance company, whose colleague was off for two days when he claimed to have been erroneously arrested by four armed police, taken to a police station and charged with three fire arms offences and two violent disorder charges. In this case the excuse had the advantage of being true, but it's one you might like to add to your repertoire next time you have a hangover.
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Week three: assemble supporting evidence
We can think of no better example than 'Graham', who prefers to remain anonymous after his evening out with his colleagues. 'After copious amounts of Rioja the 7am start seemed all to early. My colleague called to ask me to cancel his 9am meeting as he was having some issues getting to the office - primarily getting out of bed. I called the consultant he had a meeting with, and told them that Jamie could not make his meeting as one of his race horses had taken a nasty fall in training and he had to go the stables to meet the vet. To this day he has to pretend to be a racehorse owner whenever he speaks to them. To add to the reality he has a picture of a horse on his
wall in case they come to visit.' We commend this approach in its thoroughness. Vince Elgey had the advantage that he was genuinely ill when his manager called and hinted that she didn't believe him. 'I set up my web-cam and waited for one of those horrible hacking painful green retching sneezes I'd been having and proceeded to record the sneeze and it's aftermath. I then held my hankie to the webcam for a close up. I then sent the movie to her.' It might be a good idea to prepare one of these in advance, because it's compelling evidence.
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Week four: keep out of sight, and for more than 24 hours
'My colleague Andrew phoned in because he was too sick to drive in from Portsmouth. His boss's comment: "Well, he can still drive a bit, and very fast, I saw him stepping out of a phone box in Glastonbury ten minutes ago" ,' warns Nick Blackmore. 'My friend always said that if you're going to call in sick, you have to do it for at least two days as it's more realistic. I've sworn by that ever since and have never been sussed,' says Isabel Ashburner. Looks like that state of affairs may be about to change, Isabel.
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Week five: use proper telephone technique
'I used to work in Dublin and took a sickie for a job interview in Birmingham. Because my interview was at 9.00 and the IT secretary started at 8.30, I called in sick from Birmingham International railway station. I called just before she got to her desk and left a voice mail message. Halfway through my describing my heavy cold and ear infection the station announcer decided to tell everyone that a train to London was cancelled,' says Simon Phipp. 'To add insult to injury, on the plane back, I had incredibly bad earache and found out that I had an ear infection after all.' But who would believe him?
Harry Grainger recalls another unsuccessful technique when he worked for Plessey, the morning after he and two colleagues from the same office had all crashed in the same house after a big night. 'One engineer phoned the office and reported in sick. He then passed the phone around his chums for them to report sick to their respective team leaders.' To be clear: we don't recommend this.
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Week six: prepare for the return-to-work interview
Many responsible companies routinely interview all sickie-takers on return to work to make sure they are better ? just when you thought you had got away with it. 'When I worked at IBM Havant we had one question to those returning to work - was it a planned or unplanned sickie? A good excuse was always enhanced by saying that Friday's sickie carried on, and wrecked the weekend too. Having eaten at the plant canteen was a good excuse for a day off,' says Ken Fisher. And make your interview performance consistent with the facts, unlike the colleague of Pat Mason, who phoned in sick on Friday. By the time he returned for his return-to-work interview with the chief executive the next week, he had figured in a national press report - having been rescued from his yacht by the Oban lifeboat.
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Week seven: understand the risks
In the penultimate part of this useful guide, we look at the fundamental issue faced by sickie-takers the world over: is it worth getting caught? An ability to accurately evaluate the risk-reward equation is vital for long-term success. We commend the pragmatic approach of the staff at Pye Unicam some years ago, as reported by former employee Simon Frost, now at EDS. 'Management used to insist that anyone who had thrown a sickie was examined by the company nurse before being allowed back on the shop floor. They also used to insist that Helga, the nurse, examined new employees on their first day at work. Helga was Swedish, blonde and athletic ? very athletic, having represented Sweden in the 1972 Olympics.' Sadly this was in the shot putt, 'And she hadn't got any smaller in the intervening years - or any less brutal.' Casual sickness rates were 20 per cent below the national average ? in this environment, a correct decision.
A failure to properly assess risk can cause unfortunate side effects, such as losing your job. 'We had a guy who was not in work due to a bad back, yet appeared the next day on the front page of a horseracing paper riding the winning horse,' says Gavin Cooper at Rookwood Hospital.' This is poor risk analysis. As is this: 'One of our Bus Drivers had thrown a few sickies, and on the next occasion he did it he was interviewed by the Traffic Manager who told him that if he could not produce a Certificate signed by a Doctor, he would not be paid,' says Dennis Young of his time at Southampton CityBus. The driver returned with a certificate from his GP, diagnosing 'Oscillating Plumbitis'. Translation: 'Swinging the lead.'
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Week eight: seek out best practice, and use it
When lying blatantly, and if you have used up all the obvious excuses, embrace innovation and creativity rather than hope they forget that your grandmother was also buried in September, twice and November and before 11am on January 2. Ian Fraser gives his personal favourite, from when he was working in the public sector several years ago, from a trainee called John Wilson. 'He went to day release classes some mornings. He once called to say he would not be at work that afternoon as 'the heel has come off my shoe'. Full marks for originality.' As you might guess, best practice is found most often in the public sector.
We are sure this tip sheet will be welcomed in every workplace in the UK, especially in the human resources department. So be warned, they are on to you.
Keep reading backbytes! And keep sending us your emails. We may make fun of you sometimes, but we can't do anything without you.
Tim Phillips
For Backbytes
Back_bytes@vnu.co.uk
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