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Dirty Jokes
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 Women
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Dirty Jokes
1.What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on the Ass & say, "You're next!"
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2. What's the difference between a bitch & a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, & a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
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3. What's the difference between love, true love & showing off?
Spitting, swallowing & gargling
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4. What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
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5. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse.
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6. What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one can eat it.
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7. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
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8. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
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9. How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
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10, Why are women & Kentucky Fried Chicken the same?
By the time you're finished with the breast & thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
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11. How are tornadoes & marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking & blowing, & in the end you lose your house.
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12. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump & swim are already in the US.
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13. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
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14. What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
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15. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
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16. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
Pleasing!
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17. When is a pixie not a pixie?
when he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
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18. What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
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19. How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
The tongue's still in the envelope.
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20. Which of the following doesn't belong: meat, eggs, blow job?
The blow job. You can beat your eggs, & your meat, but you just
can't beat a blow job.
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21. What's the difference between a blonde & an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
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22. Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.
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23. Why do seagulls have wings?
To beat the gypsies to the tip.
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24. Why did God invent alcohol?
So ugly people can get laid.
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25. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!" or "house!"
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26. What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
Your last blow job.
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27. What's the difference between a woman from Wigan & a walrus?
One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives in the sea.
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28. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'Coping with 'Darkness'.
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29. Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of the guide dog.
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30. What have women & condoms got in common?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on the end of your cock.
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31. How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a liquidizer.
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32. What's got four legs & an arm?
A rottweiler.
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33. What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.
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34. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Patient!!
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35. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
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36. How is pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them. (quality)
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37. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
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38. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
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39. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
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40. How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
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41. Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
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42. Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
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43. Why do Italians wear moustaches?
So they can look like their mother.
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44. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
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45. Did you hear about the new shade of Dulux called "Blonde"?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
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46. Why do women have FOREHEADS?
So you have someplace to kiss them after they give you a BLOWJOB.
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47. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
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48. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
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