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How to drive a woman wild...
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 Women
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How to drive a woman wild...
golden rules for a well-managed relationship, filed under "How to drive women wild":
1) Put dirty items into the dishwasher after it has finished running and everything in it is actually clean.
2) Ditto, but in the washing machine
3) Put dirty socks for washing in a half-rolled up state so that they require un-rolling before washing them
4) Walk around the house in dirty shoes
5) When your wife has bought you a pair of slippers to stop you walking round the house in dirty shoes, wear the slippers outside & in the garden so that the slippers leave dirt all round the house when you come in again
6) Work on the car, wash your hands and leave oily marks all over the taps and sinks.
7) Work on the car, get oil all over your clothes, feel guilty about the oily marks on the taps and so loosen the oil on the clothes with white spirit / Gunk and put it in the washing machine with everything else so it all smells of said solvents for three weeks.
8 ) Cleans bits of engine / gearboxes, etc., in the sink, spraying everything in the vicinity with an oily mist
9) Use her steam-iron water jug for transferring oil into engines, mixing fuels, etc.
10) When decorating, make sure that you omit to cover everything up completely, and try to make sure that you run out of materials half way through so that the job can't be finished until the next weekend, leaving a half-finished room. Better still, do some plumbing just before the shops shut on a Sunday and lock the toilet out for a week while you are working away.
11) If doing any sanding, grinding, etc., don't forget to leave all of the doors in the house open so the dust gets everywhere.
12) Buy her chocolates - but ones she doesn't like but you do like
13) Buy her flowers, but leave the "Reduced to £2.99" BP price ticket on them
14) Use the hob to solder plumbing fittings so that the hob is covered with flux/solder
15) Say 'yes dear' to whatever she says without thinking about it, looking bored/vacantly at the television
16) If nappies are involved, make sure you change the one immediately before the health visitor comes. When gaping leaks, mis-matched fastenings and sh*it smeared round the place are put on display in front of a professional you will be let off nappy duties for ever more.
17) Via DIY, make lots of noise all through Coronation Street and Eastenders, but finish in time for Top Gear, etc.
16) Be really friendly and attentive to the 26 yr old filly next door (see 15)
19) Use a perfectly good bath towel to buff the polish on the car.
20) Lock the gate to the side of the house, put the only key in your pocket then drive to work at the other side of the country for a week.
21) Buy a boat, refer to it as 'she' and lavish lots of money, time and attention on it.
22) Varnish the hall floor last thing at night so that no-one can leave their bedrooms or get to the bathroom until morning. If this can be timed to coincide with a bout of illness, insomnia or solvent allergy, all the better.
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